It said…
“David, my biggest issue is I don’t know what to say when starting a conversation. Please help.”
-Frank (not his real name)
Guess what? I get this kind of email ALOT.
Guess what else?
That isn’t ACTUALLY Frank’s issue.
The real issue is that his mind is so clouded up with too much thinking (most of it negative) that Frank really FEELS he doesn’t know what
to say.
And I totally get it.
I used to think and feel this way too.
I get emails like the one from Frank all the time from many different people, it’s quite common.
But this not-knowing-what-to-say is hardly ever the REAL issue.
It’s a very, very rare case in helping thousands of people that I’ve ever really seen this to be the problem.
Let me breakdown step-by-step what the real issue actually is…
Frank is way too anxious and nervous and because of this he thinks that knowing exactly what to say (aka perfectionistic thinking) is what will solve his issue – or a list of 100 different conversation starters.
But I almost guarantee that no matter how much Frank rehearsed ahead of time he would probably freeze up in the moment, his mind would go blank, and he’d forget in that moment what to say.
Or he’d know what to say and be way too nervous to say it.
He’d be over-intellectualizing it, instead of blurting it out.
Or any number of variations I’ve seen of this issue.
But never because Frank doesn’t know what to say!
Sorry Frank, I know (sigh).
Then after the fact when he tried to start the conversation but couldn’t do it, Frank looks back on the situation.
What he thinks he sees is that he didn’t know what to say, when in truth it was the anxiety that blocked them, not the words that didn’t come out because he didn’t know them.
Frank already know lots of words and statements in the English language. He’s got way more than he’ll ever need in terms of what to say.
Following me?
I hope so, because this is a subtle thing to see but IMPORTANT here.
You see…
It is very, very different to feel like you don’t know what to say then to actually not know what to say.
Frustrating, I know.
I was there too for many years.
(Maybe this is your issue too.)
If you know how to say “hi, how are you”
…then you know what to say.
If you have an opinion on ANYTHING
…then you know what to say.
If you know how to observe what someone is wearing and then say that you like it (if you do)
…then you know what to say!
Of course I do teach what to say to people I work with, but that’s the easier part.
The harder part is to get out of the shyness mindset and into a Natural Confidence Mindstate.
It is already within you.
