My job in helping people really comes down helping people realize this simple fact:
“It’s all OK.”
As stupidly simple as that sounds (and it is), it really does come down to that.
Because when are calmed down where we can feel that everything is OK, confidence is natural.
Thinking that people are scary, judging you, that you need to say the right thing, or do the right thing are simply different forms of:
Everything NOT being OK.
Sure, easy for you to say David!
Well it’s easy to say for me know, because I see this as a truth.
It’s not a belief, it’s actually a truth and that’s the real difference.
Trying to enforce this as a belief, is a lot of hard, unnecessary work.
That’s why when I work with people, I know one of the biggest parts of my job is to hold the space that it is all OK.
Besides unraveling their negative thinking.
No matter how much pain they are feeling, or how distant any kind of
social confidence seems, that everything is OK.
To show them what that feels like from a place of BEING not DOING.
And they start to pick up on it.
Because I won’t encourage more thinking through things.
They’ve already thought and thought and thought AND…
THOUGHT about all the scenarios.
Thinking more isn’t the answer, because it hasn’t worked.
There’s way too much emphasis on what to say and do, and more so even what to think (aka mindset) in being social.
I’m not saying that stuff won’t ever work, but there’s way more effort involved than necessary.
Being social is natural for human beings, it is how we got here to our current societal evolution today.
And on the topic of mindset or what to think…
I’m talking about something different here.
That something different is state of mind (aka mindstate).
It’s about the state we exist in, far more than about what we are specifically thinking.
It’s more like a vibe.
It’s a deeper feeling.
When they might be freaking out in a thought-storm (and I understand what that feels like, totally) – that I know it’s really an illusion of things not being OK.
Teaching people the structure of conversation is quite simple and when we come from the place that “It’s All OK,” skills are easy to learn and integrate very, very quickly.
When we come from an unsettled place, starting conversations with people and learning conversational and social skills seems like a lot of hard work.
So hard at times, that we don’t want to do any of it.
The usual approach involves a ton of doing and pushing through limiting beliefs, and “feeling the fear and doing it anyway.”
That’s the hard way and I’m totally uninterested in that, being someone who has been a “pusher” most of his life.
That shit burnt me out, man.
The usual approach is that everything will be OK WHEN I have lots of friends.
Everything will be OK ONLY WHEN I know how to be social and talk to anyone.
It actually works much better the other way around.
That everything is OK from the outset, and being social flows from that.
That is, if you want the much more effortless path to being socially skilled and confident.
I know, it might feel counter-intuitive to you.
I get it.
I’ve been right there, too.
That’s why it has to be shown and can’t be explained just through words intellectually or conceptually.
What I hope you will hear is that this isn’t specific to me, or because I’m some kind of “guru.”
We ALL have this capacity to have effortless confidence.
To live in the space of “It’s All OK.”
ALL OF US. It’s in every single human being alive.
I had massive insight into this over the last 6 months and it continues to get deeper, and I’m seeing the results in those I’ve been working with.
Everyone unfolds differently, but once they start to see that they can take the pressure off of themselves, and that It’s All OK, this effortless path starts to show up here, and there.
Then it starts to show up more and more, until it becomes their dominant state of mind, everything in their life, and especially when being social.
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