This post is in response to a guy’s questions or issues.
Here’s his message to me:
Hey, I really find your videos helpful. If I can make a suggestion for your next video the topic would be about girls. You see, I’m in a similar position as yours. That I have no trouble public speaking, I’m good-looking and can be a funny guy but due to my anxiety and fear of rejection along with being a virgin at 19, I’ve always had a problem asking girls out and never had a girlfriend. This is not because of my looks or personality but due to my fear of rejection or lack of experience. I’ve always made girls laugh in such and hung out with them after school but never wanted the next steps due to my fears. It would be great if you could shed light on this issue and your personal experiences with this in your future video. Keep up the good work!
Here’s my response:
It seems that you have a lot of things going on and you just don’t realize it. One thing is, this line:
due to my anxiety and fear of rejection along with being a virgin at 19…
Fear of rejection is the root of your story but it does tie to something deeper.
Possibly there was a past experience that emotionally affected you that you’re not aware of. But it doesn’t really matter in the end so much why.
Anxiety comes from fear of rejection. And being virgin at 19 is just a story element and is nothi
ng to do with anything.
The only one who cares about it is you.
So you’re just adding it as a piece of story that is saying “I can’t do this because..”.
And this:
Due to my fear of rejection and lack of experience…
This is interesting.
Your lack in experience, I’m pretty sure you are referring to sexual experience.
Because you say that you don’t lack experience interacting with girls. You also say you always make girls laugh which is great, and you hung out with them after school. And you never went to the next step.
You say, you have problems asking girls out.
I think you’re already out on a date because you say you’re hanging out with them.
You’re putting up an extra step in there when maybe it’s just supposed to happen that way that you’re hanging out and all you’ve got to do is grab her hand.
Be nervous and grab her hand.
It’s okay to be nervous, she probably is too.
And then do the next step you want.
That’s just a scenario but your scenario seems to be that you have this girl and you’re already hanging out, she might already like you and she’s wondering when you are going to show interest on her or when you are going to make a move.
There’s an element of leading and oftentimes the guys have to make the first move.
Maybe you’re putting a lot of pressure of asking a woman out.
You don’t have to be really formal in asking her out.
An old school way I understand may still be with us somehow but nowadays most girls like it in a cool way, when a cool guy asks them to hang out.
I recommend asking girls to hang out in a cool way.
If you’re already hanging out, you don’t have to do much other than escalating to the next level.
Then give yourself credit for what you’re already doing and ask yourself why you’re putting so much pressure on yourself when you don’t need to.
This fear of rejection is a common thing, but one of the biggest parts is that if you didn’t need something from her or you don’t need girls in your life and if you just loved and accepted who you were then you would always feel okay.
And if the girl rejects your invitation to hang out then it wouldn’t matter because you don’t need that to fulfill you.
Say if you have a hole that you want to fill with girls, cars, money, etc., you’ll never be satisfied.
I struggled with this too for years and I really get a hold of it now.
I have experiences with women but I always had this thing of wanting more.
My uncle who was coaching me is a very talented coach.
I remember the conversation we had about this.
I told him I wanted to date 10 women.
He asked why.
Then I answered him I wanted to have choices with women. If something doesn’t work out then I have other options.
Then he said it’s a feeling which is a belief and that he feels there’s something I fear.
I agreed with him. I was afraid of rejection and that I wanted that feeling of power and control.
Then I finally figured out it’s not about women, it’s about that feeling.
We aren’t really chasing material things, money, women. We are chasing the feelings to make us “happy”. But even chasing feelings is from a need space.
Then I asked myself this:
I wanted more things for the sake of what?
Have I been filling a hole that I feel inadequate? That I needed more options to move on if in case something doesn’t work out, to shield myself?
I don’t need to shield myself if I feel okay with myself. If somebody turns me down, that doesn’t have to do with who I am intrinsically and it doesn’t have to do with me.
Self-acceptance, we all relate and we have difficulty accepting ourselves.
We’re not unique.
We all have fear.
Just work on accepting yourself and having a healthy self image.
You’ll be amazed at all the “issues” you have that will resolve themselves.
So that’s what I recommend to you my friend and to those of you who have similar story. I hope it gives a different perspective and hope it will help you.
Best,
David
