overcoming social fears
Photo: epSos.de

I get scared all of the time when attempting
new things in my life.

But I no longer let fear hold me back.

In fact, it’s a real rush when I do something I’m afraid of…while breathing into the fear, allowing it to be there and woosh

I didn’t die. I’m still here.

Truth be told, when it comes to social fears, I’m hardly afraid any more.

I get twinges here and there of normal social anxiety that anyone feels.

In fact, I’ve spoken to many of my friends who didn’t have SA, and that admit to having it sometimes.

But I remember when I was still afraid and had lots of social fears. I put myself through a good deal of exposure to them, and still it didn’t handle it.

Until I came across mindfulness and learning to be with the fear, so it no longer had a hold on me. I learned that by avoiding it, or trying to push it away – are both are just forms of resistance.

Now if I’m out and about, I am able to start conversations when I want, smile at people, make eye contact, and acknowledge them, whatever.

Wow, what a far cry from how I used to be.

You can feel the so alive when inside of fear.

Just as alive as when you are really happy.

You see, if you only think that you get to feel alive when you are “happy” or “not afraid” or “not sad” then you are missing out on your life right now.

You are in resistance to your current experience. It doesn’t have to be that way, at all.

Did you know that 2/3 of our characterized emotions are in the negative category?

If you resist your negative emotions, then that’s 2/3 of your life you are missing out on.

Crazy to think about it that way, huh?

When I say “inside of your fear” that does not mean resist it.

Most people resist their fear, especially people with social anxiety. You actually need to learn to be comfortable with fear. And you can learn this.

I learned it, and didn’t use to know how to do this. This also applies heavily to those of us who have a highly sensitive nervous system (like me).

Because we are more sensitive, we pick up more stimulus and get overwhelmed more easily. Instead of beating ourselves up for being this way, we can learn to breathe into it, relax into the overwhelm.

Much of what I teach is counterintuitive and paradoxical to the thinking mind. But from a space of the “entire you” aka your “being” – what I advocate is highly practical and very real.

I feel so lucky, that I have learned to feel alive during the fear as it flows. As I do what my irrational fear told me not to do. Not only that, I get to live my values, go towards what I want, what matters to me most.

My truth AND the things I want to happen come true right then and there. Do I always get what I want, hell no!

But the feeling of handling the fear in the moment is invigorating, enlivening. And much of the time it’s interested, it doesn’t matter if you get what you want, but you tend to get more of what you want, because you are putting yourself out there more.

However, this all starts with learning the nature of how your mind works. You need to get inside it, get intimate with it.

Instead of trying to run from it, hide from it, deny it. Instead of running away from the world while it barks at you to stay home, stay hidden and stay small.

Get dirty, get under the hood, and get into the inner workings of your mind and social anxiety.

Before I really handled my social anxiety, I was living in fear all the time.

Then when I got over that, I had to take a look at where else I lived in fear. In all areas of my life.

Right now, I’ve had much fear come up about becoming a full-time coach and mentor.

The self-doubting, chattering negative mind is always trying to protect. But it doesn’t win, I win.

I realize on a deeper level that I am not my mind. I am not my thoughts.

In fact, this is exactly what I coach people to do – to dissociate and defuse from the conversation in their heads, they think is them, but is it.

It takes time and practice, but eventually they start to see the light, to have those “a-has” on a deeper level.

You can’t win the battle with the mind by trying to out think it.

You are just using the same mind that is causing you to doubt yourself and generating your social anxiety.

Don’t fight it, don’t follow it – your crazy, irrational mind. Embrace it, go inside it mindfully and your entire world will start to change, especially your views on yourself and people.

I feel damn lucky not only that I live this way, but that I get to teach it. You can live this way too, if you’re interested in doing the work, persevering, it absolutely can happen for you, too.

If you want to get beyond your irrational social fear and build up your confidence, social life and have the success you truly desire, you can apply for a Breakthrough Session here:


I offer a limited number of these from time to time, and it’s for those guys who really want to move forward in their lives, fast.

    6 replies to "How To Handle Your Irrational Social Fear"

    • Mihir

      Thanks David, great article as always, thank you

    • Joe

      Great article, Dave. For me… I guess being forced to getting out of the house was all thanks to the fear of getting fired, as my job was the reason I started getting out. I also learned that everyone is judgemental, and that there are many others out there living close to me that go through the same thing. It’s amazing what you learn when you get out.

      • David H.

        Yes getting out and connecting with others is a great value to live by. In fact we all suffer as human beings, we just have different stories around our suffering. But suffering becomes a good thing, when we realize it touches us more deeply into our humanity and true self-acceptance.

    • Ken

      Are you saying in spite of anxiety that I should do those things that make me anxious.

      • David H.

        Yes, but I prefer to say “along with”, using mindfulness as the foundation. Learning to defuse from your social anxiety thoughts/story and make room for the anxiety has a two-fold effect:

        1) You can still act along with it being there, and not continue to struggle with it.

        2) You are expanding your system so that the anxiety will reduce over time.

        Otherwise, continuing to resist and avoid anxiety, nothing will change.

      • David H.

        And check out the videos for “thought defusion” and “making room” to get further explanations of what I mean.


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