And it all stems from your mindset.
Look, there are plenty of people-pleasers that don’t struggle with social confidence.
Yep, it’s true.
I was at a coaching conference all weekend in Santa Monica and this theme ALWAYS comes up.
Especially for coaches who’s job is never to make people like them but serve them.
Just like friends and family may not tell you things because they feel they have something to lose, it’s one reason why coaches exist (among others).
They don’t wanna lose you, so they may not tell you something that will help you OR you may not listen.
We all do it, I do it too with my friends and family.
But when I’m coach, none of that pleasing stuff can happen.
So here are what you need to do to stop trying to please people and be more of yourself.
You know that self like when you are alone or around people you feel comfortable with.
1. Help or Give Instead of Trying to Please
If you focus on giving or helping, instead of doing what pleases others or trying to make yourself look good then you don’t have to worry about people-pleasing. And you’ll make connections way more authentically with the right people too.
Of course when it comes to giving or helping, people have to want to receive it, so over-giving/helping is no good here either and can become pleasing. Don’t do that.
2. Please Yourself
Do what makes you happy and feel good. If you tell a joke that no one laughs at but you think it’s funny and you laugh, that’s a success.
Amuse yourself (though not at the cost of others), do things that feel good to you.
3. Don’t Listen to the Chatter
All that mental chatter that says “what will they think if I do/don’t” or “what if they don’t like xyz?”
Drop that crap like a hot potato, each time the thought comes up. Let that crap go.
4. Quit Looking for Outer Validation
When you look like a begging squirrel waiting for feedback to be received from others on how you should feel or letting it dictate how you should react next.
People can feel it.
5. Shape Your Self
While it’s true you should be yourself, we also have an amazing capacity to shape ourselves through thought, belief and behavior among other things.
I don’t have time to go into this, but “being yourself” means your best expression of yourself when you feel most alive, and so when you are being negative-minded and think you have social anxiety, that’s not the self I’m talking about.
This requires time and practice, with mind, awareness and belief work with consistency and repetition.
Then you will shape yourself into being the you you truly are and want to be.