Do you ever feel like you are the only one to feel your issues, wants and dreams for having a life free of anxiety and full of friends and connections? Not some list made up by a psychological researcher in their white ivory tower in the university?
Good news is here.
This list below comes from YOU here in the Social Expression community, I am very pleased to say. Over 100 of you here in the community chimed in, for the recent survey.
You guys are awesome, and here are the results.
The Survey Results Are In!
I asked you what your biggest challenges are in social anxiety, what you’d like to see in a free training, and what you think overcoming your shyness and awkwardness issues will get you in life.
Here are the results of the top things you said you’d get out of overcoming social anxiety and shyness.
I broke them down into five main categories that made sense.
Let’s get into the list of your The Top 5 Challenges (or Desires) of the Shy and Anxious, in reverse order.
I won’t keep you waiting any longer.
Here we go…
#5 – Being Able Talk to Women / The Opposite Sex
Most of the comments clearly came from men as they mentioned being able to talk to and create connections with women or girls. It is clear that a big issue for men is being able to talk to women they find attractive, especially because confidence more than looks, is what women find attractive. This is certainly a painful place for shy men, but a place that can be worked through.
Of course, this also makes sense because when we look at masculine / feminine polarity, it is generally the man who makes the first move i.e. start a conversation, grab her hand, go in for the kiss, etc. It is the way sexual attraction works in general, although we could flip the polarity, but that is a rarer case.
The way a woman approaches a man, is generally not direct but in the way of making eye contact, flipping hair, smiling and other indirect signals to try to get a guy to approach. Of course for women with social anxiety, this too can be painful. But in general women have less of an issue, because by default they have to wait for a man to approach.
I know this has been a big area of struggle for me, but overcome for anyone man or woman.
P.S. I want to acknowledge anyone who is of LGBTI orientation and is part of the Social Expression community here. At the time I collected the responses, I didn’t see anyone of the gay orientation chime in that suffer with anxiety and shyness. But I completely want to acknowledge that sexual orientation does not matter when you suffer with social anxiety or extreme shyness.
#4 – Gaining Greater Ability to Get or Hold a Job (and More Career Success)
Clearly an ability to make enough money and be good at what we do at work is important to most all of us. Since business is there to serve people, no matter if you are computer programmer stuff away in your apartment, eventually it reaches a person.
Designing your life around avoiding people is a hard thing to do, especially if your talents or passions don’t lie in something that isolates you from the world. Even if they do, you still long to connect with others and certainly be able to work with others.
We all want to be able to talk to our boss with ease, bring up ideas that help contribute and also help get us promoted, get raises and be a part of something bigger than ourselves.
Otherwise you wouldn’t be here, reading this.
Unfortunately, being good with people is very highly valued in our society.
Fortunately though, you don’t have to be a total social master. You just need to learn to be social enough, and to connect with people one-on-one. It doesn’t even require you to be the life of the party.
It requires a shift in mindset and learning to play your strengths, aside from breaking through to the other side of anxiety and shyness.
Of course these issues that prevent you from having your career success be stifled, can be handled if you keep on the path of unlocking confidence for yourself.
#3 – Stop Living in Constant Anxiety and/or Fear of People
Coming in at number three was our dear “frenemy” anxiety/fear.
Makes perfect sense, get rid of this and all the other issues about talking to those you are attracted to, having more career success, or making more friends.
Remove the fear, be free to start conversations with who you want, when you want. Be able to express yourself in conversations at work, in social situations like parties, bars or the store. For those of you who are worse off, be able to get rid of anticipatory anxiety, and get out of the house.
Pretty obvious and simple, this one.
#2 – Make More Connections with People / Make New Friends
In at the runner-up position is meeting more people in general.
Everyone seems to realize that it is through social circles and people a lot of other things happen, whether it is getting a job, enjoying leisure time, finding a relationship and pretty much anything under the sun. Scientific studies have shown that people that have healthy social connections have more fulfilling lives (and more success too).
While that is true, it doesn’t mean you have to have tons of friends and connections, just enough for you to be happy. It is also not the number, but rather the quality of connections we have. I am fortunate to have both, and I have worked hard to get there. More important than that, I have the mindset and skillset to make connections everywhere I go. I don’t just have the fish, but know how to fish. Knowing how to do something is far more important than having something. True abundance is the skill, not the thing.
Besides teaching the right mindset in my courses and coaching programs, I would say this is my number one talent in helping people. I’m no expert at picking up chicks “cold” (nor do I care to be) but I am pretty damn good at making social connections to make more friends, to get into social circles where opportunities for business, dating and good friendships. These come from all things social. Especially if going to the bar isn’t your idea of fun, and you’d rather meet people elsewhere!
So making connections is one of the most important things you can learn to do, aside from getting the correct confidence mindset to rid yourself of shyness from running the show.
Before I get to Number One, I want to make some honorable mentions that didn’t make the top five.
“Confidence” didn’t make the Top 5, and that was one that surprised me. I thought it would be much higher from the feedback I received. Though actually it ranked higher for what was requested in the free training.
“Knowing What to Say / Conversation Skills” was lower the list, and I was glad to see that. That is because other than some basic conversational techniques, not knowing what to say (or thinking you need to always know what to say, or have more “lines”) is only a symptom of the true limiting thoughts and beliefs that hold us back from being social. Conversation is something that is dynamic and happens in the moment, with lots of practice.
But of course you have to practice to get good, and if anxiety is holding you back, how can you practice?
Though I do think you probably realize at some level, conversational skills are important but they are a means to an end. No one really thinks I want to have conversational skills just to have them. We all wants more connections, dates, jobs, etc. Makes perfect sense.
So let’s get to our last but not least benefit of dissolving social anxiety and shyness for good, in your eyes.
The number one thing that you believe overcoming social anxiety would get you was…
#1 – Having a Better Quality of Life aka “Life Happiness”
This was by far the biggest winner!
I was really happy to see this. Truly I am.
Because happiness is what we are all seeking in life, social anxiety or not. To live an enjoyable life where we can feel happy is the holy grail of life outcomes.
Every single human being that is living on this planet or has ever existed wants happiness.
The real key to happiness is well…learning to find happiness now. That may seem obvious, but most of us are chasing the wrong thing.
We all think that having the right relationship, more money, more friends, and a life of luxury, pleasure, passion or whatever our favorite thing is we think will bring us more happiness.
I used to only get this conceptually, but now I live it. Even once I got through social anxiety, I didn’t understand that happiness is the key – even though I could make connections and friends wherever I went, the emptiness that was still there.
I now live and know how to address both (yes I still have fears and get upset too – I am human like you!)
Here’s the Social Confidence Formula as I see it now….
(Social Skills & Confidence) + (Knowing How to Be Happy) = A Killer Life!