It’s the New year, rah, rah, sis, boom ba.
Frankly my friend, I don’t really care about the New Year. I even stayed in when the ball dropped. OK, I went out with friends until 11pm, but then called it a night. I couldn’t be bothered.
Let’s get on with it, already!
Personally I am already full steam ahead taking action, using my social skills in both business and my personal life.
Which is far different from how I used to live and operate.
How about you, what are you taking action on now that 2014 is here?
I don’t know about you, but I am interested in creating a new self more powerful than the previous version, and authoring the story of that powerful person. I want to push beyond my perceived limits of what I think I cannot do, knowing they are just lies.
One key discovery I have found in the past year of lots of networking, meeting people, leading groups (and more) is this:
Being too social at the cost of what you really want to create in life, at the cost of your authenticity, or trying to be socially liked by everyone…
…is a LOSING game.
I can tell you this because I was very social this year, met tons of new people, but at times it was at the cost of some of my authenticity. I hosted a networking event that turned out to be not the greatest use of my time in the end. I started out the year wanting to “be connected” with as many people as I could. So I made that happen.
I made a lot of connections, though some were really fly-by-night, superficial connections. I also met lots of good people and even made some really deep and lasting friendships that will last a lifetime.
Through getting out there and meeting people, I became president of an entrepreneur’s club that was one of the best things I did all year, because I got tapped into a community of brilliant people with big hearts.
I am grateful for it all, because besides the results, I learned and discovered new things about myself and broke past many limits. Others I didn’t breakthrough.
I am committed now to breaking past those limits that I now see clearly that I didn’t overcome last year.
How about you?
I mean isn’t this journey to overcome your shyness and social anxiety really about living an amazing life that you truly want to live, creating solid connections wherever you go, that also run deeper than just superficial conversations all the time?
This life you want, I know it certainly includes being social, And you want more friends, dates or even better career success and work relationships through being social.
But also, losing your integrity at the cost of being social isn’t worth it. The tricky part about this is that there is a fine line between knowing when you authenticity is actually at stake, and making up excuses where you claim to be out of integrity, but you are really avoiding being social instead.
So as someone with social anxiety, you have to err on the side of being social until you have overcome the majority of your old limiting beliefs and patterns and seen some tangible results. Only then should you focus on finding the balancing of being social and authentic.
*Three Major Things I Learned in 2013 for Authentic Social Success…and Beyond*
In creating more social confidence in the new you this year, here are three key things I have learned in growing myself and in coaching others over this past year.
Here they are:
1. Focus on your Greatness
Everyone is great at something. Those that say they aren’t are lying to themselves, and playing the victim, that there is nothing you are great at doing.
Even if you are great only at being shy, you are great at it. That means you have the capacity to be great.
You’re just misdirecting it, that’s all.
Don’t play the weakling, the victim, because you are not one. Unless you want to be great at playing the victim then go ahead.
But I don’t recommend it, if you want to break free of social anxiety.
You must, must, must focus on your strengths. Whatever they are, no matter how big, or how small.
This isn’t just about being positive, for positive’s sake. It is about the fact that we hardly get or allow ourselves to focus on what’s good about us. This also comes from coaching and psychology, and what brings the best out in people.
It is about getting results, and allow yourself to sit in your greatness, as uncomfortable as it may be, is extremely powerful to do. For getting results, plain and simple.
And we are not raised to sit in our greatness, our power. Instead we are raised to look at what is wrong, what needs to be improved tirelessly. We are brought up to believe in what is practical and ‘realistic’ instead of going for what we really want.
Even to do or be what we think is impossible, that is actually quite within our reach, because of perceived limitations we have learned along the way.
Beliefs and limitations that simply are not true. They are made up.
I hate overly positive approaches, just for the sake of being positive. That’s why it is good to have a powerful ally (could also be a therapist or a coach) who understands the power of this approach of being in your greatness and holding yourself in it, because you aren’t used to doing it yourself. And quite frankly most people don’t know how to support someone in that way.
2. How you feel, matters not.
If you started living life based on what you are deeply committed to, deep down, what you feel wouldn’t dictate what you do.
I am a huge believer in creating a powerful mission or purpose for yourself. When someone gets on the right mission, they become unstoppable.
Here is my current mission:
To create and inspire a world where we have arrived and belong, by being who we truly are.
Not too bad, eh?
One of my favorite questions to ask myself is “what would I do if I weren’t afraid.” It is a question that once fear is cleared away, shows you with clarity what you would do, whether fear is there or not.
You see, when you live from what lies deep in your heart, where your actual dreams live – not based on what makes you fit in (or not fit, for those that are “anti” type personalities) you would stop living in constant fear and anxiety, period.
Yes, you would still feel fear and anxiety at times, but fear would become secondary and not stop you from doing what you truly wanted.
I lost sight of this many times over the last year, but I feel lucky to have woken up to it again.
3. Fully declare who you want to be. (And start practicing, now!)
I absolutely hate the term “fake it ‘til you make it.”
But I do believe in the idea of authoring the story who you want to become and act as if you were already that person.
Though subtle, there is a big difference between these ideas.
The reason is, “fake it til you make it” assumes you aren’t it already. It is a bad presupposition where you have to live as a fake, and then one day you will be authentic.
But when you declare who you want to become, with full commitment and say “I’m not going back” you are stepping forward in a way that assumes it is already inside of you.
And it is inside of you, otherwise you wouldn’t want it so bad.
You might need some practice, but you aren’t faking it. You are calling it forth from a deep desire.
When I work with people in my private one-on-one coaching or in group programs, I am amazed at the courage and strength within even the most quiet and shy person. The fact that they have signed up for a program, show up on the calls and do the growth work each time shows a huge commitment and courage that only comes from within.
In fact, when you really declare who you want to be, fully and unabashedly, it makes it far easier to get there…and far faster by just half-assing your declaration.
Now by declare, it doesn’t mean you can just write it down. You have to really go deep into the depths of your desire, way down in the depths of your soul, no matter how scary it is, to find this kind of stuff.
You have to COMMIT. That means taking action in the face of fear, again and again…and again.
“You can only go as high, as you go deep (into uncertainty, fear and the unknown).”
So if you want to be somebody that feels way out of reach right now, you have to go deeper than you have ever gone to propel yourself into your best version of you.
This is my experience in doing a ton of personal development work over the years from reading hundreds of books, listening to audio programs, participating in live workshops, going to therapy, getting coaching and much more.
This is kind of crazy to admit, but I have spent over $50,000 to develop myself to who I am today, and continue to invest still. Because it has helped me so much, and I have come to learn that it is what the most successful people do – lifelong learning and investing in themselves.
What kind of success you do want to achieve? What kind of life do you really want to lead, if you weren’t afraid to ask for what you really wanted?
Most people are afraid to even ask for what they really want, thinking they don’t deserve it, that it is selfish.
I think it is more selfish to play small, and to not really go for it. Because the world needs more people who want to be as big as their potential, not only for themselves, but as examples to others, to show them they can do the same.
What is selfish about that? Nothing, in fact it is a GIFT.
*Available Once Again: Private Coaching*
I had taken private coaching offline for a while because I was focusing on group programs and other endeavors. But I have rekindled my passion for private coaching and the amazing results it can get for those who are highly-committed to the process, and achieving amazing results.
So I have decided again to open up one spot for a private coaching intensive, for someone who is highly committed to leaving shyness and social anxiety behind for good, and to get the best results possible to live a life of your dreams.
This is highly practical results oriented coaching, not airy-fairy stuff. If you believe living the life of your dreams isn’t possible, then you should stop reading right here. But if living your dream life calls to you, one where you are free to be yourself in any situation, social and beyond, then read on.
This kind of coaching isn’t for the tame, it is truly for the bold-hearted. Clients that have coached with me know that I am not afraid of calling forth big things from them, and that I am not going to believe in any self-limiting stories.
This doesn’t have to do so much with who you are on the outside but more with who you are on the inside. You might be shy on the outside, but there’s a courageous lion within you, and you know it deep down. You have to be willing to play big, and to leave behind your old self that has been getting in your way, for good. You have to want to live an inspiring life – one that is based on what you want to create when you decide to go 100% all-in, and how you want to make a difference in the world by becoming the best version of you.
What I am looking for is someone that no only wants to create the dream life they deserve, but also wants to be an example, a beacon of bright light for what is possible for others.
If you are inspired by what I have said here, I invite you to apply for coaching.
(Once you are on the page, scroll to the “Benefits of Private Coaching” section to go right to the application area, if you want to get started right away.)
Here is to a powerful 2014 – to creating the confidence and social life you want. As always keep going, don’t give up on yourself even in your lowest times, because no matter what, you are always learning and growing.
Best in your social success,